I cried on my drive to work today.

Content Warning: suicidal thoughts

Before I got in my car to drive an hour to my office I saw a tweet. Alex Lieberman of Morning Brew shared something that seemed to hit him pretty hard. 

I chewed on it for a while, took a couple of calls, then when I turned on PCH in Huntington Beach and saw the ocean I started weeping. With my windows down and a Zach Bryan song playing in the background I had a moment with myself. 

For most of my life, I did not fear death at all. In fact, I craved it more than anything. I started experiencing suicidal ideation at the very young age of 11. It became so weaved into my existence that I didn't even know that it is not something everyone experiences. I turn 25 this year and I did not think I would have made it this far. Death is an event I'm intimate with, I have lost a lot of loved ones. Friends, family, my mom. Each loss cuts deeply, but it never made me afraid of my own mortality. It simply reminded me that one day my time would come (for a long time I thought it would be of my own doing). 

In May of 2021 I quit drinking, which was the first step in a long journey of detaching myself from my suicidal ideation. Being in recovery gave me the agency over my own life that I had never felt before. I was the owner of my life and the only thing that would keep me alive, was me. 

Fucking crazy epiphany if you ask me. Over time I started experiencing real, uninhibited joy on the daily. Another feeling I had been missing. Mostly, I no longer thought about killing myself every day. I've gone down that road of ideation only twice since getting sober, both times I called my brother-in-law, told him what was going on and he yanked me out. Want to know why I called him? I am terrified of death. 

I took being alive for granted for so long that I am now obsessed with it. Every emotion I feel reminds me that I am ALIVE and it's exhilarating. On my drive this morning I saw the Pacific Ocean and wept because the thought of dying, and losing my time on this earth that I get to have, is scary. I never thought I would feel that way, and I surprised myself this morning when I felt such a resounding "YES" to Alex's tweet. I'm really proud of myself for arriving to this point and I'm proud of you, too. Feelings won't kill you. So feel them. I love everybody, see you next week.

Who inspires me today? 

This is Sydney Webb, founder and CEO of Toto.

I met Sydney last July sitting around a fire at a 250 person festival in the desert, it is an understatement to say our meeting was kismet. Sydney's COO & partner Bennett was there too, where he and I realized our moms had grown up together and we have relatives that are married, making us 4th cousins. Bonkers but that's how we found each other. Sydney is one of those people that with every new thing you discover you are in awe of their existence. 

She is nothing short of a hustler, but it goes beyond her business (which is dope btw). When she was 21, after battling Crohn's disease for 6 years, she found out she had colon cancer. Sydney had been at the mercy of physicians for several years and she wanted to take ownership of her own body. With the help of adaptogens and a relentless commitment to herself, the cancer was gone in 12 weeks without traditional medical intervention. Have you ever heard of anything more badass? I haven't. 

This journey of healing herself through food and adaptogens is what throttled Sydney into building Toto. A good-for-you cookie that is unreasonably tasty. The cookies have only 8 ingredients and tons of health benefits. Packed with flavor and stress-reducing adaptogens, the cookies are literally to die for. I have stuffed my face with them on more than one occasion. 

Sydney is on a mission to share her story of self discovery and healing, through food and beyond. Her energy is contagious, her commitment to self improvement and routine is worth envying, and her authenticity about the times she falls short is inspiring. I love her, not only because she is one of my best friends, but because she makes me want to be a better person. You can follow her on Instagram & LinkedIn and shop the new and improved Toto cookies online and at retailers nationwide on Feb 12!

Thanks for reading, I'm happy you're here! If you made it this far, reply to this email with your mailing address and I'll send you a handwritten note. & if you actually want to get these to your inbox, do what this gif below does! TTYL.