You Don't Belong Here

Six and a half years ago I packed up my mom’s Ford Fusion to the brim with stuff and we drove as a family to drop me off for freshman year at UCLA. I had visited the school three times before then, each accompanied by a sense of awe and wonder about attending college there. I had never been more excited for anything in my life.

Unfortunately I was met with some serious reality when school actually began. I had gone through sorority recruitment and was shocked at the level of wealth many of the girls I met had grown up with. It got worse as the initial days ticked on. I met people whose parents were doctors, kids who went to $50,000/year private school that called themselves “middle class”, people who had traveled all over the world. At 18, I had never even been on an airplane. My parents both dropped out of their first semester of community college, and my entire schooling was being bankrolled by financial aid, scholarships, and loans. I grew up in a small town with an education system that was the opposite of award winning, I didn’t have to work that hard or study to get perfect grades. I got into UCLA with low test scores, a high GPA, and a good story. In every way, I was not prepared at all.

I made it through the first four weeks with a big fake smile on my face. I missed my friends and the comfort of home, but I was terrified and definitely not having a good time. I failed my first two midterms. I had never failed anything in my life, ever. I remember after finding out I got a D on an exam, I was doing my laundry and had a breakdown. I called my mom from the staircase outside my building. I was sobbing. I told her I needed to transfer to Fresno State, that I wasn’t rich enough, smart enough, or ready to be there. I felt stupid, ugly, poor, and way in over my head. My mom did her best to comfort me while snapping me out of it. She reminded me that I worked hard to get there, and that I was going to make it through like I did every other obstacle. I didn’t know it had a name at the time, but what I was feeling was a serious case of impostor syndrome. I never fully felt like I belonged anywhere and that I didn’t deserve the good things coming to me. The worst feeling of all was the fear that people were going to find out that I was a fraud. (spoiler alert: I was not actually a fraud)

I had a conversation about this with a friend a few weeks ago. He similarly grew up in a small NorCal town and ended up at an Ivy (this is a very big deal where we’re from). He said that when he got there his mind just went to “These people are smarter than me, have more money than me, are better looking than me, why am I here?” Listening to him I realized that I have felt this way so many times. I’ve waste loads of energy comparing myself to other people. My whole experience at UCLA, when I had my first internship in tech at Palo Alto Networks, and especially when I started working in VC.

I do not have the fancy experience a lot of other people do. I’ve never started a company, I don’t have a finance background, I didn’t work at FAANG, I’m not an engineer, whatever. That list could go on forever. But the thing is, all that stuff doesn’t actually matter. Carey, Kyle, and Mallory hired me because they saw who I was going to be. They could tell I was willing to learn anything and everything I could to be good at my job. What got me through the door wasn’t my reputation but my effort, attitude, and tenacity, the qualities that have gotten me through every door my whole life.

I will probably always battle a little with impostor syndrome, it’s hard not to feel that way when you’re doing something unfamiliar. But I’ve been lucky to find a mentor in my business partner and friend, Mallory Maske, who hits me with affirmations I need all the time. Mal always says when I doubt myself that I should say “I am smart and I have good instincts.” I repeat this until I believe it and it works. I also do this thing where I turn intimidation into inspiration. ALLLLL the time I am surrounded by people who seem to do it all: have a kick ass job, exercise consistently, are in a great relationship, travel all the time, etc. I try to not let that stuff intimidate me, but inspire me instead. I love that my friends and peers are badass, and I want to be more like them. If I focus on learning from them, instead of comparing myself, I end up in a much better mindset.

Overall, I will probably find myself feeling like an impostor pretty regularly. It’s hard not to, but what I have found is that if I remind myself enough that I am in fact a badass and deserve to be where I am, I get over it quickly. I want you to know that you’re a badass too, and that you did not magically end up where you are today. You worked hard to get lucky, and you are the owner of your life and actions. Be proud of yourself, bc I am. Ily, see you next week.

Who inspires me today?

It is time I tell you about my co-founder, colleague, mentor, and friend - Mallory Maske. I met Mal last April when I was in the midst of a frantic job search and to say we clicked is an understatement. I found out later that after we got off our first call, she texted our founders with a note that said “you have to hire her.” I had an offer 10 days later to become Chief of Staff at Operate.

I recently told a friend about how much I loved working with Mallory because she’s one of those leaders that is so compelling you will do anything for her and he said, “you’d run through a wall for her because she’d run through it first.” I could not have said it better. Mallory has a presence that is both calming and motivating, traits of a true leader. She is authentic and vulnerable and confident and level headed. All things I want to be more of.

Mallory has this outlook about teams that I think is genius and not common enough in the startup space. She has been a people leader in startups for 15 years and has learned a thing or two about how to build a company. She talks a lot about how Product and Revenue have always been the two main drivers of a startup’s success, but that People is the forgotten third leg of the stool. Meaning that no matter how much effort you put into building your product or growing revenue, if you assemble the wrong team, you are more likely to fail.

This outlook has inspired us both to start a business, as if we didn’t have enough going on, because we are that passionate about people. I see so many startups fizzle or close their doors because the founding team is mismatched, or a company culture destroyed its potential. We know there are ways to repair teams, and prepare them for the challenges that come with growing and scaling a business. I am super proud of what we have created already and it is truly just the beginning. Learn more here 🙂 

My favorite thing about Mallory though is that she shows up fully as herself, at all times. She is so present and open. We have spent a lot of time over the last 9 months having serious and difficult conversations, and she handles them with such grace and comfort I feel like I am talking to family. Mal always tells me that I teach her new things everyday, and as a 24 year old baby (who always feels like a fraud) nothing is more meaningful than that. I am always seen and understood with her, if you ever have a chance to work with Mallory you should jump at it. My career and outlook on life is forever changed because of her. Follow Mal on LinkedIn and Twitter to read her content about all things people and team building, it’s a goldmine. If you have someone in your circle this reminds you of, send them a thank you text. A little gratitude goes a long way.

As always, if you liked what you read today please reply! If you know anyone who has an incredible story and would be a good fit to be featured in my newsletter I’d love to know that too. Thank you for being here ❤️